Who’s your daddy…part 2

In my blog post yesterday, I posed this question:

“Do we allow the relationships we have had with our fathers to be carried over into our relationship with God?”

Yesterday I shared a little bit regarding my relationship between my dad and myself…but I think there is a little clarity that needs to be stated….for the record…

Like I mentioned yesterday, my relationship with my dad hasn’t been the most solid.. However, please hear me out ….my dad is NOT a bad person. I think he has a good heart, I just think he has been so badly hurt in his life, he is not capable to love me the way I needed a father to love and accept me. I do love my dad. I do accept him…I am just now at a point where I am trying to find a balance of letting go of what I wanted this relationship to be…and accept what it is. Make sense?

And now…as promised…dirt.

I can’t say that I blamed my dad for my choices in dating/ marriage but if I am honest, I think my need for approval from him…did influence my future choices. With that being said..I also think my choices were made selfishly out of not knowing or understanding who I was as a person…

I was always looking for others to define me… (my dad, my boyfriends, etc.)

In previous posts I have made mention that I was married before- to a guy we shall call….”Joe.”  Before that I had come out of two very bad relationships. Neither of them were healthy. One was violent and the other was full of deception.  I decided if I was to make GOD “Happy” then what I needed to do was marry a man involved in the ministry… In my mind, this would some how atone for all of the relational wrong that had happened in the past.

SO…. there was a guy in my church who had the look, said the right things….and even made it known..verbally….HE WAS GOD’S MAN.

Wow!! Now this was my ticket. I was going to do good after all. I was going to marry a preacher. I was going to be a preachers wife. I was going to earn my rightful place in Heaven by fulfilling this role.

I couldn’t have been further off my rocker!

I did in fact marry him. It took me a little over a week to realize this was not going to go like I had thought.  At first he was very busy, making calls, networking with other ministers, planning revivals, speaking engagements etc.

I watched. I listened and here is what I found out…some people say God called them into a life of ministry….and some people “call” themselves.

When things didn’t work out right (or the way he wanted…) he blamed me. He said my relationship with God was holding him back in his ministry.

When speaking engagements fell through, he blamed me. He said I wasn’t a submissive enough wife to him….as “the man of God” he was.

When his ministry wasn’t going the direction he “felt” it should go…he blamed me and said I wasn’t praying enough for him.

He held me responsible for his relationship with God.

To him, God called him to the ministry. God called him to speak to the masses. God sent me into his life to pick up his house, his dry cleaning and then be personally responsible for making sure everything went the right way.

He was angry all the time. He was always telling me God was punishing him, or taking things away from him, or teaching him a lesson.

Honestly, the way he described his relationship with God…God, sounded like a jerk.

I wouldn’t want to build a “relationship” with a God who was also telling me no, and causing me so much misery.

I was a little confused.

I was trying to be the perfect, praying, preachers wife…so I read my bible…A LOT.

This caused even more confusion. The God I read about in the bible was loving, caring and wanted us to spend time with Him. It said He wanted to teach us all things. (Never once did I read he wanted to “teach us a lesson by being mean and cruel.”

“Joe” was always seeking opportunities to talk about God…but honestly, I really wondered how much time he spent talking TO God.

Eventually he got so frustrated at all the “doors God was closing.” meaning….his speaking engagements fizzled out and people no longer invited him to speak at their functions.

Maybe they saw through the facade… I know I did.

My relationship with “Joe” got much worse. The more frustrated he got, the angrier he got. He began blaming me to others in the church. (Maybe this made him feel better.)

He treated me more like a slave verses a “good thing.” – The bible says,”when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing.” He got violent and began hitting me. The blame and the bruises were more than I could take. I know people say God hates divorce..but if you ask me… I think he hates abuse more…and I am not just talking physical. I am talking emotional and spiritual as well.

So,  back to my question from yesterday….do you think your relationship with your father defines how you see God?(slightly reworded.)

Now you know, probably more than you care too…about some of the relationships that SHOULD have defined the way I view God now…but honestly, I think initially it did.

Initially, I looked at God as a Jeanie. I wanted everything and wanted him to give me everything simply because I was “his” daughter…I cared nothing about the relationship.

Then, I thought I could earn my way into HIS “good graces” by being in specific role, acting a certain way, saying all the right things…but all this did was left me lonely and very hurt.

Eventually, I had to pursue God for what I knew my Bible to say is true about Him. I found out that even if “I am not wanted or liked…” God loves me for me…just the way I am and He made me…created me simply because He couldn’t live without me.

Eventually I found out that even if I fall down and make a ton of mistakes, I can tell him exactly what’s going on…and be brutally honest….I have found I can trust HIM to be my secret keeper. I can tell him things I could never utter to another human…and he won’t judge me. He will still love me the same.

I don’t have to try and fill a role or be someone I am not…He created me…only one of me…to be….me, no one else. The coolest part is…even though I don’t really know who I am fully, or who I am “supposed” to be….the more I talk to HIM and build a relationship with him…He is teaching me..who I am to become…no pressure! He is doing ALL OF THE WORK! My job is to just….TRUST HIM.

I don’t have to talk a certain way…walk a certain way…or be a certain way…He loves me because I am ME.

And…HE loves YOU…simply because YOU ARE YOU…all the rest, will work out in time.

So, hang in there….If you haven’t started building a relationship with God yet….give it a try…

just start talking….He will be happy to listen.

: )

Until next time,

See ya on the Random Side,

Aj

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